Living Intentionally

This is the ferry leaving the pier an early morning, when none could sleep.

I thought I should do one of those mama confessional type posts.

You know the ones, where you admit, you haven't got it all together.

Well, here it is. 

I am struggling with the choices I make.

Not because they are bad ones.

In fact, it is the good ones, which leave me floundering.

Last year, we ran, ran, ran, the whole year long.

We did swimming, and girl guides, and dance classes a plenty.

We did trampolining, gymnastics, rock climbing, horse riding and choir.

There were drama groups, and science classes, and the odd library reading group. 

We ran so hard, chasing dreams, we didn't feel like we were stopping to live.

So I started thinking about how much we were giving up in the midst of our pursuit.

I started questioning, why it felt like we were taking short cuts to everything, even bedtime routines had become shortened affairs.

We hardly had time to say good night.

And I started to dread the days.

Waking up, wishing for the day to hurry up and be done.

I stopped living intentionally, and we hit survival mode.

This year, we are trying to find a better balance. 

I have severely limited the hatchlings in the number of activities they can take on. 

Nonetheless, there are so many interesting activities to pursue, and I find myself sucked in.

I want to give my children everything.

I want for them to be able to do it all, see it all, be it all.

When I ask them, what they want most, and the tell me, they want me.

Why is that such a struggle?

Why is it so hard to give them me, the one thing I actually always have to give?

I like it when you sit at the table and eat with us.

These are the words my son says to me at dinner tonight.

How can this be?

We have three meals a day together.

Nonetheless, I sit at the table and just be with them while we eat together, quite rarely. I serve them their meal, and flit about, eating by the counter. Fetching cups of water, picking up dropped forks, getting napkins, putting away items off the work surfaces.

I have gotten into the habit, that since I am not going to be able to eat from start to finish with out jumping up twenty times, that I shall not sit at all.

Not a great habit for my children.

There is a real difference in living intentionally, absorbing the time I have with them, being in the present with them, instead of flitting through my endless to do list. 

So, I am starting again.

You may find that the longer you know me, that I start again a lot.

I don't have it all together.

But, I am determined to keep trying.

When the hatchlings woke me up so very very early, and hatchling no5 wanted to see the boats on the water.

Out we went.

In the cool morning, with chocolate chip brioche and red grapes, to wave to the boat as it went off on it's journey.

To talk, listen and see a helicopter fly over.

I hope that little northward flying helicopter was not going to someone in trouble.

It was the air ambulance one, and we all said a prayer.

I really hope it wasn't needed. 

Home we went, to play and learn, work and enjoy the little piece of time we have,

and to try my best to live intentionally.